Never
by KCameron
Summary: How I would have liked to have seen "Inauguration: Over There" end in Season 4.


I don't understand why I even got dressed. I hadn't actually planned on going to the ball after what I did to embarrass myself in front of everyone that I worked with. So there I sat looking at my own reflection in the TV wondering if Josh even noticed that I wasn't there. He probably didn't and I was coming to grips with that fact. He was probably trying to get Amy to sleep with him again to fulfill his "what would have happened..." theory. He didn't actually feel anything for her and he knew it, it was just a ploy to try and make me jealous of him for once.

Crack! "What the hell was that?" I thought as I heard a crack against my living room window.

Crack! "Donna!" I heard being shouted outside my window as more and more cracks came from the window. "Donnatella Moss!" I knew that voice. Only one person other than my grandmother actually called me Donnatella.

The shouting was only growing louder so I quickly ran to the window and opened it. No sooner than opening it a snowball whizzed past my head and hit my living room wall. I looked outside to see Josh, Toby, Will, Danny, and Charlie standing outside in the freezing cold. "What the hell are you doing?" I shouted down to him since he was the one who appeared to be initiating the whole thing.

"Get down here now!" He commanded, insisting that I go out in the freezing cold or he would continue to stand out in the street and shout my name. Actually, if truth be told, I wouldn't mind him outside my window calling my name, waiting to profess his undying love for me. However, my neighbors had other feelings about the situation.

"Keep your voice down!" I pleaded.

"Don't even think about telling me where to keep my voice. Get down here!" Again he was insisting that I come out there in the cold just for him to reprimand me for giving a quote to the press.

"I'm coming." I quickly shut my window and went downstairs without even so much as grabbing my coat. Walking outside, however, I severely regretted that I did such.

Quickly he came up to me and put his coat over my shoulders. "You came out here without a coat on?"

"I need you to keep your voice down." I said walking down the stoop. "Go ahead. You're entitled. Give it all to me again." I said waiting for his bellowing to begin. As I looked into his eyes, however, all I could see was hurt and betrayal where I expected to see anger. He actually came all the way down to my apartment to tell me that he knew that I lied to him about the quote in the paper.

"What I don't understand is why you would do that, Donna?" He asked me as he paced back in forth on the sidewalk in front of my house.

"Josh, this guy's got an important career ahead of him-"

"Your career isn't important? What was the point of anyone claiming-"He stopped and I knew that he had figured it out "You knew it was easy to figure out it was him"

"Not as easy as you make it." I snorted " I didn't think about it at the time I was-"

"There's a whole list of things you didn't think about. Including your job, what the president thinks of you." He said his voice rising as the betrayal he felt poured out with every word.

"Does he know about this?" I asked jus t louder than a whisper. The disappointment in Josh's eyes was bad enough, but to have to see the same look from the President would be worse than anything.

"He's about to." He said. I looked down at my feet as tears welled up in my eyes. Josh stopped pacing for the first time since I came down stairs and looked at me. As his eyes cut through me I shivered. He was the only man I have ever known who could send chills through my body without actually doing anything "You look amazing!" He gasped.

I blushed. I couldn't help it this time. The one moment he actually says something tender to me and I blow my cover and show that I had wanted him to say that from the moment he showed up outside my window.

"Hi guys!" I said to the other four guys that Josh had dragged along with him, trying to stop the urge to kiss him right here on the sidewalk in the middle of January.

"Hi, Donna!" They said back.

"Sorry about all this!" I apologized. I really did feel bad that they had to stand outside in the snow.

"Don't worry about it." Toby said.

"Yea, it was stupid but it was menchy." Said Danny.

"Hey, hey, hey. Good cop. Bad cop." Josh whined back to his friend.

"Oh, sorry. It was just stupid." Danny corrected.

"Hey, Will, you and Toby wrote probably the most beautiful speech I've ever heard." I complemented. I longed more than anything to have been there this morning when the President was sworn in.

"Thank you very much!" Will responded.

"You know. We're going to a ball." Josh said, dimples out full force. God, his smile could make me weak in the knees. That smile was strictly reserved for me and he knew exactly the effect that it had on me.

"Balls are fun." I said, mirroring his smile with my own.

"We're actually going to eight of them." He was getting impatient now and had begun bouncing back and forth on his heels.

"Eight times the fun." I stated matter-of-factly.

"Lets go!" Toby whined.

As he said this Josh put his arm out for me to take and we walked toward the cab where everyone else was waiting. The rest of the guys began to get back in the car and I pulled Josh aside before getting in. "Josh," I whispered. "I'm sorry. Seriously I've never lied to you before, boss, and it will never happen again."

Josh gave me a little smile, brushed a hair out of my face and said "You know, you're gonna have to sit on someone's lap."

Even though in most circumstances I would have smacked a man for saying that to me, this was Josh and I wanted this too. "Ok." I smirked.

Josh got into the car first before I ducked in and sat down on his lap. The cab was extremely cramped with six people in it, but I didn't seem to notice at all, all I could think of was the feeling of Josh's body pressed up against mine. As the cab took off down the snow covered Rosslyn streets Josh wrapped his arms around my waist. I felt chills go up my spine the second his hands touched me. He then leaned forward and placed his head on my shoulder. I could feel his heart beating against my body and his breathe on my neck. He was trying to get something across to me and I was happy with what I was receiving. I reached my hand out of the inside of his coat and carefully laced my fingers through his. I leaned my head against his cheek to let him know that I felt the same. I had almost forgotten that there were other people in the car until Charlie turned around from the front seat and began talking to me about his undying love for Zoey and what my advice to get her back was.

Balls one through eight by the end of the night were just a blur of champagne and dancing. The whole night Josh and I only were more than one foot apart for about a period of five seconds. We danced to almost every song played only stopping to go get another drink. As we danced he pulled me so close to him that I could feel him breathing. He would press his cheek against my head as I rested my head on his shoulder. Luckily, everyone else had had about three bottle of champagne too and didn't notice that Josh's hand hardly left my waist.

The last ball we attended was slowly coming to a close and people were beginning to slowly trickle out of the crowded hall. I sat at a table waiting for Josh to get his coat so that he could take me home. He had offered because he felt that I was not in any state to get myself home

"Donna are you ok to get home?" C.J. asked me as she slumped down in the chair next to mine.

"Yea." I said. For how much champagne I had had I was very impressed with my verbal skills "Josh is going to take me home." She looked at me suspiciously, so I had to do some quick explaining about Josh's whole big brother complex thing.

"Oh, alright. Just thought that I'd ask. See you on Monday, Donna." C.J. said as she went to go and find Danny who had wandered off somewhere.

Josh returned moments later with his coat. "Ready?" he asked.

"Yea." He extended his hand to me and helped me stand up. He put his coat back on my shoulders but instead of offering his arm to me this time he just automatically put it around my waist and pulled me close to him as we began to walk out of the hall. Liking the support system to control my slightly crooked step I leaned my head against his shoulder.

Once we got outside, he told the man at the cab stand that we needed a cab for two. So as the man got to his job, we stood there waiting. I turned to Josh who was just wearing his Tux in the cold January weather. "Aren't you cold?" I asked.

"No" He shivered.

"Liar." I said wrapping my arms around his waist trying to keep him warm with my body heat. He wrapped his arms around me in return and there we stood on the corner of Connecticut Ave at two 'o'clock in the morning wrapped in each other's arms. This felt right. This would never get old. I looked up into Josh's face, even though it was dark I could still see the beautiful face that I had loved since I walked into his office. He looked at me; I could feel my heart beating so fast that it felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. He leaned into me and his lips met mine fulfilling the moment that I had dreamt about for five and half long years.

Getting in the cab was a relief, because even though Josh's arms were warm he couldn't compare to the warmth in the cab. The whole ride home he held me so close to him that I could feel the subtle vibrations of his chest every time his heart beat.

The cab arrived at my apartment and I knew that this was it and he was going to be leaving me once more to return to my apartment alone. But getting out of the cab he, instead of telling the driver to wait five minutes for him, he paid him and followed me up the stairs. I, however, pretended not to notice. I reached the door to my apartment and turned to face him. "I guess I'll see you on Monday."

At that moment he passionately began to kiss me, forcing me against the door. I didn't fight him, I wanted this to happen just as much as he did. However, he stopped almost abruptly as he had began. "I'm sorry." He said taking a step back. "That was way out of line."

"No." I assured him grabbing his hand. "I want this."

"This?" he said referring to the space between him and me.

"More than anything." I answered huskily.

The rest of the night was one beautiful blur. Lying there with his arms wrapped protectively around my waist I knew that I had all that I would ever or could ever want. I was being held by the only man that I had actually wanted to hold me for the rest of my life. There with my body pressed against his I felt that I could never be close enough to him.

* * * * *

I don't know why I left. Maybe I was scared or maybe I was afraid that going ahead with this would hurt her in some way, but the fact is I left. I laid there staring at her tiny, sleeping body and knew that as much as it would kill me I had to take my hands off of her alabaster skin and head back to Georgetown, I had to do it. I knew I loved her, But I had to work things out in my head. I didn't want to screw this up.

When I arrived home there was a message on my machine that I needed to come into the office to meet with a senator about the Appropriations bill so I quickly showered and headed over to the West Wing. Sitting at my desk going over papers I heard a knock on the door frame and saw C.J. standing there. "Hey." I said looking at her.

"Did you get home ok last night?" She asked.

I nodded looking back down at the Bill on my desk.

"Did Donna get home ok last night?" She asked inquiringly and I knew where she was going with this.

"How should I know, C.J? I put her in a cab and then got one of my own and went home." I said with a certain defensiveness in my voice.

"Ok, I was just wondering if I am going to get any questions about how long the Deputy Chief of Staff has been sleeping with his assistant." C.J. stated.

I just looked up at her, hoping that she would get the message by the expression on my face. C.J. laughed and sauntered out of my office towards the briefing room.

Blowing that off as nothing I got up and put my jacket on and headed towards the mural room where I knew the senator was waiting. Passing the bull pen I could see that Leo had called Donna in too and that she was working on something at her computer. I didn't want her to know that I was looking at her, but she could feel my eyes on her. "Yea?" She said tersely.

"Nothing." I coughed. "Is the senator here?"

"Yea, he's in the mural room." She didn't even look up at me and I knew that my leaving this morning hurt her. I didn't want her to hurt and it killed me that I was the one that did this to her. I had become one of the gomers that uses her and then just walks out of her life. I just needed time to figure things out in my head. I needed to know what exactly it was that I was feeling for her before I dragged her into something.

Through the whole meeting with the senator I tried to keep my mind focused on the Appropriations Bill and not how soft Donna's skin actually felt when I touched it or the way she bits her lip when she blushes or how long it would take to count all the freckles on her body. I was relieved when the meeting finally let out and I could walk past her desk again just to smell her perfume and hear the material of her clothing rustle every time she moved at her desk.

"Donna is there anything else that I have to do today?" I asked leaning against the glass of her cubicle and staring down at her.

"No. I just asked Leo and he said that that was it and that he'd see you on Monday." She said this without looking up at me.

"So you wanna go out for drinks later?" I asked her.

"I have work to do, Josh." This time she looked up at me with her big blue eyes. The hurt that I could see in her cut through me like a knife.

"Alright. I just thought I'd ask." And then I walked away. I just walked away just like I did this morning. The one moment where she was testing me to see if I would stay I walked away. I always did this and now I was doing it to the one woman I actually cared enough for not to hurt.

I gathered my things in my backpack, put on my coat, and walked out of the office without looking at her desk again. I walked home. I walked from the White House to Georgetown in the freezing January weather because I needed time to think. I knew that I loved Donna, but how to act on it was a totally different situation. With Amy this was different. I didn't love her. I hardly even cared for her, but this feels different. Donna is everything to me. She is my best friend, my soul mate, the woman who makes me laugh one moment and then totally proves me wrong, the woman who can take my breath away no matter what she is wearing. I just didn't know how to tell her that.

I had never felt so cold by the time I got to my apartment. It felt like every part of my body was frozen. So I poured myself a glass of scotch to help warm me up. I sat down on my couch and had the deepest longing for Donna to be there with me.

I dialed her number. "Hello?" She answered.

I didn't know what to say. I sat there with the receiver in my hand and listened to her breathe, trying to remember what it was I wanted to say to her.

"Hello?" She said, more agitated this time.

"Hey, its Josh." I managed to scratch out. My throat was dry, my hands were shaking. I had never been more scared at the prospect of talking to someone in my life.

"I know." She said.

"How do you know?" I asked.

"Its just a little invention called Caller Id, Josh." She was not amused at my attempt at humor.

"Yea, I know. Hey, I was wondering if maybe you could meet me for coffee later so that we could talk." I already knew the answer that I was going to get to that so I changed the request. "About work, is what I mean. I need your revision notes on the Appropriations Bill."

"I guess." She was not amused I could tell. "I'll meet you at the Coffee shop on your corner at around five, ok?" And that was it. I had tricked her into meeting me, but now the real trick was how to make up my mind about what I was going to say when we got there.

I sat there waiting for her wondering if she was going to show up. She did late, of course, but she showed up. She sat down on the couch next to me and started giving me her revisions. "Donna, that's not what I wanted to talk about." I said grabbing her hand as she flipped through the pages of the bill without looking at me.

"Josh." She said returning my gaze "It's nothing really. I'm fine with it. We were just too drunk."

"No, but I'm not fine with it. You and I both know that we were sober enough to know what we were doing. And I'm ok with what I did this morning." I said tenderly.

"You should have thought of that before, Joshua. You're too late now." She said pulling her hand away from mine. She didn't even give me enough time to say anything. And before I knew it she was getting up and walking out the door.

I quickly put my coat on and began to follow her down the street. "Donnatella, wait!" I called to her.

"Joshua, save your breath." She called back to me as she continued walking, quickening her pace.

"Donna, please. I love you!" I called to her.

"Don't say things you'll regret, Joshua. We have already established you can't take things back." She yelled to me.

Her tone stung me and I yelled back, "The thing I wish I could take back is not telling you sooner, Donnatella. Please believe me, I love you."

She stopped and turned to me. I could see a tear escape from her eyes as her strength broke and she could not suppress it any longer. I quickly ran up to her and pulled her into my arms. "Why did you leave, Josh?" She said against my chest.

"I was scared, Donna. I have never felt this way about anyone in my life. I didn't know what to do. I knew that I needed to be with you, but I was afraid that I was going to screw this up. I needed sometime to think of a way to tell you that you are the most amazing woman I have ever known. You are my bestfriend, my soul mate, the woman who can make me laugh one moment and the next moment prove me totally wrong. You are the smartest person I know. The only woman who can take my breath away no matter what you are wearing and the only woman I can see myself happy with for the rest of my life. You complete me, Donnatella. I love you so much."

I took her head in my hands and wiped at the tears that flowed freely from her big blue eyes. "Oh, Josh." She whispered as she wrapped her arms around my neck, "I love you, too."

As we lay there in bed later that night I kept my arm wrapped tightly around her letting her know without words that I was never going to leave her. Just as I was fallin asleep I heard her whisper my name.

"You're still awake?" I asked quietly as I kissed her forehead.

"Don't leave ok." She said. The need in her voice brought tears to my eyes and made me want to hold her even closer than she already was.

"I'll never leave you." I assured her.

"Never, Joshua?" She asked.

"Never, Donnatella." I reassured her.


End file.
